Autism: 2 Me: 0.000000000000001

Its so hard to keep a positive and hopeful attitude when something is draining me of all the life I have. 

I feel like I have aged years in the few months since the diagnosis. 

I knew that the diagnosis would open up options for treatment and I was hopeful that it would offer some explanation about him, but I never thought it would financially, emotionally, and physically defeat me.

I know that it is my cross to bear, believe me, I know a lot about the weight of them...  Some days the reality of it is simply too much. And then I scroll up again, is it so wrong to do everything possible to try to reach the little person alive and prospering inside this beautiful boy's little body?

The other day after I got him dressed, he was laying on my bed singing.  Wes LOVES to sing.  For the longest time we thought he was just singing nonsense, but soon all the nonsense turned into humming tunes we actually knew.  And since he started going to Connections, the nonsense turned tunes has slowly morphed into words. It started as one word at the end of the line, to the second and third words, to whole songs.  So he is there on my bed, and we have been working on the alphabet... I say "A, B..." and he is supposed to say "C, D".  He does, then he starts over, "A, B, C, D... E, F, G.... H, I, J, K... LMNP..." and so on, all the way through the little jingle song at the end...  Ok, so he skipped O, but who doesn't really?

Unless you have been here, waiting for your four year old to sing the alphabet, save say anything coherently, you may not understand how absolutely monumental a moment that was.  I tried so hard to get him to do it again, so I could catch it on video, but to no avail. I wish there was some way to help people understand the hours and hours of therapy it took for this one moment to happen. I wish there was some way to make the powers who govern the financial support system for children with Autism to understand how ludicrous it is to expect families to wait more than a year to help their children achieve these moments.  I wish I could make them understand how impossible it is to expect that three years time is anywhere near enough time for them to achieve everything needed to become productive members of society. And God help me, I will go broke trying to offer this tiny little gift to my child.  This itty bitty twinkle of hope that shines through behind the meltdowns and the frustration and the tears.